A piece I wrote from September 2008. The economy's getting better, but it's a new world out there and something tells me a lot more people are doing this kind of work
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My friends and family have asked me, on numerous occasions, when I will be on one of the many Law & Order TV shows. I don’t know the answer to that, but I can provide some insight as to what I do while I wait for that to happen, which is temping.
If you aren’t familiar with what it means to temp, then congratulations! You probably have a normal job and make way more money than I do. So, to benefit you and the rest of my friends and family, I’ve described a typical day in the life of a temp below.
9:20 AM Arrive outside the building where your new temp assignment is, pleased that you're ten minutes early. That makes you and your temp agency look good.
9:21 AM Change from sneakers into fashionably uncomfortable work shoes before entering the lobby.
9:23 AM Front desk security informs you that the company you’re here to temp for has moved offices.
9:24 AM Call temp office. Get the new address of the company.
9:25 AM Powerwalk to the new address, forgetting to switch back into sneakers. Hope you make it before 9:30 and make that good impression.
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My friends and family have asked me, on numerous occasions, when I will be on one of the many Law & Order TV shows. I don’t know the answer to that, but I can provide some insight as to what I do while I wait for that to happen, which is temping.
If you aren’t familiar with what it means to temp, then congratulations! You probably have a normal job and make way more money than I do. So, to benefit you and the rest of my friends and family, I’ve described a typical day in the life of a temp below.
9:20 AM Arrive outside the building where your new temp assignment is, pleased that you're ten minutes early. That makes you and your temp agency look good.
9:21 AM Change from sneakers into fashionably uncomfortable work shoes before entering the lobby.
9:23 AM Front desk security informs you that the company you’re here to temp for has moved offices.
9:24 AM Call temp office. Get the new address of the company.
9:25 AM Powerwalk to the new address, forgetting to switch back into sneakers. Hope you make it before 9:30 and make that good impression.
9:31 AM Arrive at new office.
9:38 AM A mean woman charitably described as "shapely" ushers you to a desk amidst a sea of desks. "Here’s where you’ll be for the day," she says impatiently. "The girl who usually sits here should have an instruction sheet explaining what you do. I don’t know where it is; see if you can find it." Then she leaves and you never see her again. Ever.
9:39 AM After some rummaging, find the sheet explaining your duties. Discover your primary function is to answer the phone for important people. Scan the office to see where they sit; fail miserably.
9:41 AM Phone rings for one of those people. The caller asks if she's in. You say, "She might have stepped away from her desk. Let me put you on hold and check." You then search frantically for anybody who knows whether this person is in the office. Someone finally says, "Oh her? She hasn’t worked here in two years. Transfer whoever's calling to Bob downstairs."
9:42 AM Try to find Bob's transfer number on a company directory listing only last names. The caller hangs up before you find it.
10:02 AM The woman who sits at the desk next to yours arrives. You exchange pleasantries and ask about the pictures on her desk. She smiles and tells you that's her son and then launches into a long story about his upcoming graduation that you try hard to care about, but ultimately fail. Somewhere in the middle of all this, she tells you her name is Margaret, but that "you can call me Madge."
10:21 AM Start official tasks for the day as listed on your instruction sheet.
10:46 AM Done with official tasks for the day as listed on your instruction sheet.
10:47 AM Vow to be productive at this assignment, despite its limited responsibilities.
10:52 AM Give up and check email.
11:13 AM Read the New York Times online, making sure to stare at the screen in an engaged, puzzled manner whenever someone walks by in order to give the appearance of actually working.
11:45 AM Check email.
11:47 AM Quickly minimize email window when two lawyers hover around your cubicle. Go back to staring intently at the New York Times online, feigning productivity.
12:01 PM Muster all of your latent Jedi powers into making the two lawyers stop hanging around your cubicle and talking about last night’s Game. Fail miserably when you remember that you have no Jedi powers.
12:29 PM Go outside for lunch. Make sure you don’t wander too far away to find food for fear you won’t be able to find your way back.
1:06 PM Return from lunch. Ask Madge where the ladies’ room is. She gives completely unhelpful directions, using unfamiliar reference points like "the Copier."
1:09 PM Get lost a few times before successfully finding the ladies’ room.
1:10 PM Discover the ladies' room is locked. Wait until someone comes out, at which point you muster a casual smile and then bolt for the stall as soon as they’re out of sight.
1:15 PM Return to desk. Check email.
1:38 PM A middle-aged senior executive comes to your desk and demands to know where So-and-So is and why he isn't at The Meeting. You look at him quizzically, saying in the nicest voice possible, "I’m sorry, sir. Who are you looking for?" To which he replies, "Mr. Krandinger! The managing director? You’re answering his phone today," in a tone implying that, on in terms of IQ, you are somewhere between a worm and a dust mite. You say you’ll check his calendar, barely suppressing the urge to whap him repeatedly over the head with a stapler. The senior executive huffs off before you get a chance to check the calendar, muttering something about "ask a simple question."
1:39 PM Plot unfortunate "accidents" that could befall Mr. Irate Senior Executive, with particular emphasis on the aforementioned stapler.
2:10 PM Browse online photos from the latest celebrity scandal. Feel ashamed about it, but not enough to stop.
2:15 PM Madge notices you're browsing celebrity photos and shoots you dirty looks for having the freedom to wile away the day online while she must actually work. You pretend not to notice and wonder if it’s still safe to call her Madge.
2:39 PM Read depressing article about the housing crisis.
2:56 PM Read depressing article about the international human rights crisis.
3:14 PM Read depressing article about the shrinking job market for recent college graduates.
3:23 PM Daydream about your college days. Wish you’d partied more and studied less. Or at least had a more useful major, like aerospace defense management.
3:29 PM Another senior executive visits your desk and points out that the fridge in the company’s kitchen is empty. He suggests, "You can fill it up with sodas for tomorrow’s meetings if you want." His vocal inflection implies that it's not so much a suggestion, but a thinly-disguised demand.
3:32 PM Stock fridge in company kitchen with sodas. Keep one for yourself. Hope nobody keeps count.
4:20 PM Check email.
4:29 PM Wonder why you haven’t fielded any other calls that day.
4:34 PM In an attempt to speed through to the end of the day, you start filling out your timesheet to turn in later to your agency.
4:35 PM Agonize over whether to report you took a 30-minute or 45-minute lunch on your timesheet. You actually took 37 minutes.
4:36 PM Decide on 30 – four of those minutes were spent in elevator transit.
4:44 PM Reluctantly ask Madge - without calling her by name - if she knows who should sign your timesheet. She masks a brief look of annoyance, then suggests you take it to "Sheila. She’s in the office at the end of the hall."
4:45 PM Venture down the hall to see Sheila. She isn’t there, wasn’t there all day, and and won’t be in until tomorrow. Sheila's assistant signs your timesheet, which she assures you "is probably okay."
4:46 PM Return to desk. Resist the urge to look at the clock.
4:48 PM Look at the clock.
4:53 PM Check email.
5:31 PM Shut down computer, silently congratulating yourself on technically having stayed past 5:30.
5:34 PM Gleefully skip out of the office and into the sunshine, vowing never to do a mindless job again.
5:36PM The temp agency calls. "They loved you at the office today," they say. "Sheila in particular had nice things to say about you. Can you come back tomorrow?"
5:37 PM Vow never to do a mindless job like that again, starting the day after tomorrow.
9:38 AM A mean woman charitably described as "shapely" ushers you to a desk amidst a sea of desks. "Here’s where you’ll be for the day," she says impatiently. "The girl who usually sits here should have an instruction sheet explaining what you do. I don’t know where it is; see if you can find it." Then she leaves and you never see her again. Ever.
9:39 AM After some rummaging, find the sheet explaining your duties. Discover your primary function is to answer the phone for important people. Scan the office to see where they sit; fail miserably.
9:41 AM Phone rings for one of those people. The caller asks if she's in. You say, "She might have stepped away from her desk. Let me put you on hold and check." You then search frantically for anybody who knows whether this person is in the office. Someone finally says, "Oh her? She hasn’t worked here in two years. Transfer whoever's calling to Bob downstairs."
9:42 AM Try to find Bob's transfer number on a company directory listing only last names. The caller hangs up before you find it.
10:02 AM The woman who sits at the desk next to yours arrives. You exchange pleasantries and ask about the pictures on her desk. She smiles and tells you that's her son and then launches into a long story about his upcoming graduation that you try hard to care about, but ultimately fail. Somewhere in the middle of all this, she tells you her name is Margaret, but that "you can call me Madge."
10:21 AM Start official tasks for the day as listed on your instruction sheet.
10:46 AM Done with official tasks for the day as listed on your instruction sheet.
10:47 AM Vow to be productive at this assignment, despite its limited responsibilities.
10:52 AM Give up and check email.
11:13 AM Read the New York Times online, making sure to stare at the screen in an engaged, puzzled manner whenever someone walks by in order to give the appearance of actually working.
11:45 AM Check email.
11:47 AM Quickly minimize email window when two lawyers hover around your cubicle. Go back to staring intently at the New York Times online, feigning productivity.
12:01 PM Muster all of your latent Jedi powers into making the two lawyers stop hanging around your cubicle and talking about last night’s Game. Fail miserably when you remember that you have no Jedi powers.
12:29 PM Go outside for lunch. Make sure you don’t wander too far away to find food for fear you won’t be able to find your way back.
1:06 PM Return from lunch. Ask Madge where the ladies’ room is. She gives completely unhelpful directions, using unfamiliar reference points like "the Copier."
1:09 PM Get lost a few times before successfully finding the ladies’ room.
1:10 PM Discover the ladies' room is locked. Wait until someone comes out, at which point you muster a casual smile and then bolt for the stall as soon as they’re out of sight.
1:15 PM Return to desk. Check email.
1:38 PM A middle-aged senior executive comes to your desk and demands to know where So-and-So is and why he isn't at The Meeting. You look at him quizzically, saying in the nicest voice possible, "I’m sorry, sir. Who are you looking for?" To which he replies, "Mr. Krandinger! The managing director? You’re answering his phone today," in a tone implying that, on in terms of IQ, you are somewhere between a worm and a dust mite. You say you’ll check his calendar, barely suppressing the urge to whap him repeatedly over the head with a stapler. The senior executive huffs off before you get a chance to check the calendar, muttering something about "ask a simple question."
1:39 PM Plot unfortunate "accidents" that could befall Mr. Irate Senior Executive, with particular emphasis on the aforementioned stapler.
2:10 PM Browse online photos from the latest celebrity scandal. Feel ashamed about it, but not enough to stop.
2:15 PM Madge notices you're browsing celebrity photos and shoots you dirty looks for having the freedom to wile away the day online while she must actually work. You pretend not to notice and wonder if it’s still safe to call her Madge.
2:39 PM Read depressing article about the housing crisis.
2:56 PM Read depressing article about the international human rights crisis.
3:14 PM Read depressing article about the shrinking job market for recent college graduates.
3:23 PM Daydream about your college days. Wish you’d partied more and studied less. Or at least had a more useful major, like aerospace defense management.
3:29 PM Another senior executive visits your desk and points out that the fridge in the company’s kitchen is empty. He suggests, "You can fill it up with sodas for tomorrow’s meetings if you want." His vocal inflection implies that it's not so much a suggestion, but a thinly-disguised demand.
3:32 PM Stock fridge in company kitchen with sodas. Keep one for yourself. Hope nobody keeps count.
4:20 PM Check email.
4:29 PM Wonder why you haven’t fielded any other calls that day.
4:34 PM In an attempt to speed through to the end of the day, you start filling out your timesheet to turn in later to your agency.
4:35 PM Agonize over whether to report you took a 30-minute or 45-minute lunch on your timesheet. You actually took 37 minutes.
4:36 PM Decide on 30 – four of those minutes were spent in elevator transit.
4:44 PM Reluctantly ask Madge - without calling her by name - if she knows who should sign your timesheet. She masks a brief look of annoyance, then suggests you take it to "Sheila. She’s in the office at the end of the hall."
4:45 PM Venture down the hall to see Sheila. She isn’t there, wasn’t there all day, and and won’t be in until tomorrow. Sheila's assistant signs your timesheet, which she assures you "is probably okay."
4:46 PM Return to desk. Resist the urge to look at the clock.
4:48 PM Look at the clock.
4:53 PM Check email.
5:31 PM Shut down computer, silently congratulating yourself on technically having stayed past 5:30.
5:34 PM Gleefully skip out of the office and into the sunshine, vowing never to do a mindless job again.
5:36PM The temp agency calls. "They loved you at the office today," they say. "Sheila in particular had nice things to say about you. Can you come back tomorrow?"
5:37 PM Vow never to do a mindless job like that again, starting the day after tomorrow.
