In honor of Hizzoner DeBlasio becoming the first new mayor in 12 years, I give you this piece from 2008 about the election.

Let's raise our 64-ounce sodas on high once more for the Former Mayor, Mr. What's-his-name. 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This column was originally intended to be the second part of a two-part, highly investigative journalistic series called “The Joys of Moving.” Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, such as none of us being able to get through breakfast without hearing the words “change, maverick,” or “reach across the aisle”, this will be a one-part, yet equally highly-investigative journalistic series called “The Joys of Politics.”

But before dancing down that dirty and dusty trail, I offer this to all of you readers desperate to know what happened next on my moving adventure. You know that part at the end of ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ where they use a forklift to move the box with the Ark into a giant U.S. warehouse that goes on and on and probably doesn’t stop until it reaches Asia?

That’s what my apartment looks like. Minus the forklift. My grand plan is to dig myself out of it, but it’s far more likely that those boxes will remain packed until the next time I move.

But enough about that. Let’s talk about politics.

This is an important Presidential election year, and if you don’t know that by now, I hereby renounce your right to vote. And if you think I don’t have the power to do that, please read on.

This piece came out after the Large Hadron Collider came online for the first time . . . and then blew a fuse and was offline again for a long time. Having visited the RHIC in Brookhaven recently, I thought it appropriate to revisit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, Armageddon seems to be at hand, but it wasn’t caused by the Large Hadron Collider in Europe, as predicted. Apparently, the Large Hadron Collider worked wonderfully for all of an hour before it blew up and became inoperable until next spring.

But fear not, end-of-days-junkies. We still have the largest collapse of a bank ever in the history of the United States (mine, as it happens), a firesale of another asset firm, and the inability of the nation’s top money minds to solve this whole mess. As the failed bank would say, Who-hoo!
As if all of that weren’t bad enough, I’ve just been through my own personal Seventh Circle of Hell: I just moved.

A piece I wrote from September 2008. The economy's getting better, but it's a new world out there and something tells me a lot more people are doing this kind of work

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friends and family have asked me, on numerous occasions, when I will be on one of the many Law & Order TV shows. I don’t know the answer to that, but I can provide some insight as to what I do while I wait for that to happen, which is temping.

If you aren’t familiar with what it means to temp, then congratulations! You probably have a normal job and make way more money than I do. So, to benefit you and the rest of my friends and family, I’ve described a typical day in the life of a temp below.

9:20 AM Arrive outside the building where your new temp assignment is, pleased that you're ten minutes early. That makes you and your temp agency look good.

9:21 AM Change from sneakers into fashionably uncomfortable work shoes before entering the lobby.

9:23 AM Front desk security informs you that the company you’re here to temp for has moved offices.

9:24 AM Call temp office. Get the new address of the company.

9:25 AM Powerwalk to the new address, forgetting to switch back into sneakers. Hope you make it before 9:30 and make that good impression.

I'm celebrating the New Year by looking back on times when we all thought the world would end.

Enjoy this piece about the scientifically-plausible destruction we worried would be wrought right before the Large Hadron Collider came online.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m sure you’ve all heard about the collapse of the financial market, but I’m sorry to report that may be the least of our problems. If you haven’t heard the distressing news by now, I recommend you sit down immediately before reading the next sentence. (Seriously, grab a seat.)

According to some of the most brilliant scientific minds, the world might actually end in a matter of months.

I kid you not. Here’s why. Scientists in Europe (of course) have built an underground machine shaped like a racetrack that is almost 17 miles long and straddles the border between France and Switzerland. The scientists built this machine, called the Large Hadron Collider, or LHC, in order to re-create what they think the world was like a trillionth of a second after the Big Bang. It is now the world’s largest atom-smasher.

So, aside from the comical effects of repeating the phrase “atom smasher” over and over again, why did the scientists build this machine? It’s quite simple. The LHC will help to better our (meaning their) understanding of how the universe works.

Unfortunately, in their attempt to better their understanding of how the universe works, they might accidentally obliterate it.

Another one from 2008. Fun game: spot the outdated MTA lines and technology references. Winner receives a subway token and cookies.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When my publicity team (meaning my mom) tell people back home that I live in New York, many of them have the same response: Who's mom are you? But for the few people who do remember me, or just want to humor my mom, they are impressed that I live in this teeming metropolis. 'Wow," they tell my mom, "I could never live there, in that teeming metropolis."

And they're right, they could never live here – they’re far too nice. But with the correct training and a little practice, they could live here. It is with those people – the good people of the world - in mind that I've compiled this: How to Be a True New Yorker. Here, you will find everything you need to blend in to the Big Apple.

First, you must talk on your cell phone more than is humanly possible. This is especially important when riding on the subway lines that receive a cell signal because they run above ground, such as the N and W trains in Queens.