Another one from 2008. Fun game: spot the outdated MTA lines and technology references. Winner receives a subway token and cookies.
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When my publicity team (meaning my mom) tell people back home that I live in New York, many of them have the same response: Who's mom are you? But for the few people who do remember me, or just want to humor my mom, they are impressed that I live in this teeming metropolis. 'Wow," they tell my mom, "I could never live there, in that teeming metropolis."
And they're right, they could never live here – they’re far too nice. But with the correct training and a little practice, they could live here. It is with those people – the good people of the world - in mind that I've compiled this: How to Be a True New Yorker. Here, you will find everything you need to blend in to the Big Apple.
First, you must talk on your cell phone more than is humanly possible. This is especially important when riding on the subway lines that receive a cell signal because they run above ground, such as the N and W trains in Queens.
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When my publicity team (meaning my mom) tell people back home that I live in New York, many of them have the same response: Who's mom are you? But for the few people who do remember me, or just want to humor my mom, they are impressed that I live in this teeming metropolis. 'Wow," they tell my mom, "I could never live there, in that teeming metropolis."
And they're right, they could never live here – they’re far too nice. But with the correct training and a little practice, they could live here. It is with those people – the good people of the world - in mind that I've compiled this: How to Be a True New Yorker. Here, you will find everything you need to blend in to the Big Apple.
First, you must talk on your cell phone more than is humanly possible. This is especially important when riding on the subway lines that receive a cell signal because they run above ground, such as the N and W trains in Queens.
You don’t want to let other people think you’re some old-fashioned codger who believes in appropriate behavior in public do you? No! That practically screams “I don’t belong here. Feel free to rob me.” Robbers won’t bother you if you’re talking on your cell phone. Even criminals respect the limit of “anytime” minutes.
Volume is also a critical here. If you're standing in the Bronx and they can't hear you on Staten Island, you aren't talking loud enough. (Although, in reality, you shouldn’t stand for too long in the Bronx. Criminals have less respect for anytime minutes up there.) Aim to be so loud on the subway that gaggles of teenage girls are forced to switch cars because they can't hear themselves shrieking above the racket you make. Bonus points awarded for using a wireless headset permanently glued to your outer ear that makes you look like a Vulcan from Star Trek. Yet another theft deterrent.
But the cell phone-cum-accessory on the subway is not enough to convince the masses that you belong in this teeming, filthy city. You have to learn to blend in for all occasions. It is to this end that you must learn the language – and we don't mean Spanglish. The easiest way to do this is to think of New York much like you think of London – you can use the same vocabulary words in both places, but they don't always mean the same thing.
To help the uninitiated, I contacted some of the top language instructors in the nation. They haven’t returned my calls yet – they probably used up their anytime minutes for the month – so I took it upon myself to create the following translations. Below are some key phrases useful for beginners.
New York Phrase : "Excuse me, please."
Typically Heard: While transferring from one subway line to another.
Translation: Get the *bleep* out of my way, you tourist bastard.
New York Phrase: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because of train traffic ahead of us. Please be patient."
Typically Heard: Over the loudspeaker on every subway line. Constantly.
English Translation: You'll be stuck underground in this car for a while. Hope you used the bathroom before you left.
New York Phrase: “Hey, it’s so good to see you!”
Typically Heard: Throughout the city, mostly on the streets and in restaurants.
English Translation: I was prepared to hate you forever for not calling me in such a long time, but now that we've run into each other you are spared my wrath.
So, you know how to ride the subway (loudly). You know how to translate New Yorkese. You are almost done with your transformation! Just one more step, and it’s the most important one: appearance. It is über important that you appear like you belong in New York. It’s so important that I even used the ümlout sign above the u, and that took quite some time to figure out how to do that on this computer.
Fashion is actually quite simple in New York, no matter what neighborhood you’re in. There’s really only one rule to follow, and that is “Ugly is in style.” If you - a normal, respectable, intelligent person – look at a garment and couldn’t see how it could be considered attractive to a rat looking for a place to put its droppings, much less a human being wanting to wear it, then the garment is definitely “in.”
Some recent examples of this phenomena are skirts that bunch at the hem line, Capri pants, and the return of the “long T-shirt worn as a dress over jeans” look. For men, see anything polyester. (Unless, of course, it is meant to be worn in irony.)
Of course, any sophisticated fashionista will tell you that looks vary by neighborhood. You don’t wear the same kind of ugly in midtown Manhattan that you would wear in Williamsburg. My recommendation is to browse through various style magazines or watch a few reality TV shows for fashion tips and come prepared with a variety of hideous clothing appropriate for many occasions.
And there, my good people of the Midwest, is your guide for being a True New Yorker. Can’t wait to see you here – you can stay with me!*
*translation – The foldout futon in my tiny studio apartment in the outer burroughs can accommodate you for a short while. Please buy your own food.
Volume is also a critical here. If you're standing in the Bronx and they can't hear you on Staten Island, you aren't talking loud enough. (Although, in reality, you shouldn’t stand for too long in the Bronx. Criminals have less respect for anytime minutes up there.) Aim to be so loud on the subway that gaggles of teenage girls are forced to switch cars because they can't hear themselves shrieking above the racket you make. Bonus points awarded for using a wireless headset permanently glued to your outer ear that makes you look like a Vulcan from Star Trek. Yet another theft deterrent.
But the cell phone-cum-accessory on the subway is not enough to convince the masses that you belong in this teeming, filthy city. You have to learn to blend in for all occasions. It is to this end that you must learn the language – and we don't mean Spanglish. The easiest way to do this is to think of New York much like you think of London – you can use the same vocabulary words in both places, but they don't always mean the same thing.
To help the uninitiated, I contacted some of the top language instructors in the nation. They haven’t returned my calls yet – they probably used up their anytime minutes for the month – so I took it upon myself to create the following translations. Below are some key phrases useful for beginners.
New York Phrase : "Excuse me, please."
Typically Heard: While transferring from one subway line to another.
Translation: Get the *bleep* out of my way, you tourist bastard.
New York Phrase: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed because of train traffic ahead of us. Please be patient."
Typically Heard: Over the loudspeaker on every subway line. Constantly.
English Translation: You'll be stuck underground in this car for a while. Hope you used the bathroom before you left.
New York Phrase: “Hey, it’s so good to see you!”
Typically Heard: Throughout the city, mostly on the streets and in restaurants.
English Translation: I was prepared to hate you forever for not calling me in such a long time, but now that we've run into each other you are spared my wrath.
So, you know how to ride the subway (loudly). You know how to translate New Yorkese. You are almost done with your transformation! Just one more step, and it’s the most important one: appearance. It is über important that you appear like you belong in New York. It’s so important that I even used the ümlout sign above the u, and that took quite some time to figure out how to do that on this computer.
Fashion is actually quite simple in New York, no matter what neighborhood you’re in. There’s really only one rule to follow, and that is “Ugly is in style.” If you - a normal, respectable, intelligent person – look at a garment and couldn’t see how it could be considered attractive to a rat looking for a place to put its droppings, much less a human being wanting to wear it, then the garment is definitely “in.”
Some recent examples of this phenomena are skirts that bunch at the hem line, Capri pants, and the return of the “long T-shirt worn as a dress over jeans” look. For men, see anything polyester. (Unless, of course, it is meant to be worn in irony.)
Of course, any sophisticated fashionista will tell you that looks vary by neighborhood. You don’t wear the same kind of ugly in midtown Manhattan that you would wear in Williamsburg. My recommendation is to browse through various style magazines or watch a few reality TV shows for fashion tips and come prepared with a variety of hideous clothing appropriate for many occasions.
And there, my good people of the Midwest, is your guide for being a True New Yorker. Can’t wait to see you here – you can stay with me!*
*translation – The foldout futon in my tiny studio apartment in the outer burroughs can accommodate you for a short while. Please buy your own food.