In honor of Hizzoner DeBlasio becoming the first new mayor in 12 years, I give you this piece from 2008 about the election.
Let's raise our 64-ounce sodas on high once more for the Former Mayor, Mr. What's-his-name.
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Let's raise our 64-ounce sodas on high once more for the Former Mayor, Mr. What's-his-name.
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This column was originally intended to be the second part of a two-part, highly investigative journalistic series called “The Joys of Moving.” Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, such as none of us being able to get through breakfast without hearing the words “change, maverick,” or “reach across the aisle”, this will be a one-part, yet equally highly-investigative journalistic series called “The Joys of Politics.”
But before dancing down that dirty and dusty trail, I offer this to all of you readers desperate to know what happened next on my moving adventure. You know that part at the end of ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ where they use a forklift to move the box with the Ark into a giant U.S. warehouse that goes on and on and probably doesn’t stop until it reaches Asia?
That’s what my apartment looks like. Minus the forklift. My grand plan is to dig myself out of it, but it’s far more likely that those boxes will remain packed until the next time I move.
But enough about that. Let’s talk about politics.
This is an important Presidential election year, and if you don’t know that by now, I hereby renounce your right to vote. And if you think I don’t have the power to do that, please read on.
But before dancing down that dirty and dusty trail, I offer this to all of you readers desperate to know what happened next on my moving adventure. You know that part at the end of ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ where they use a forklift to move the box with the Ark into a giant U.S. warehouse that goes on and on and probably doesn’t stop until it reaches Asia?
That’s what my apartment looks like. Minus the forklift. My grand plan is to dig myself out of it, but it’s far more likely that those boxes will remain packed until the next time I move.
But enough about that. Let’s talk about politics.
This is an important Presidential election year, and if you don’t know that by now, I hereby renounce your right to vote. And if you think I don’t have the power to do that, please read on.
People duking it for the privilege of redecorating the White House Residence is newer, blander decor is not the only political thing happening. Last night, the New York City Council made an unprecedented move when it voted to ignore the two-term limit established by voters in 1993 and 1996.
This will allow current Mayor Mike Bloomberg and other Council members whose terms are up soon to run for re-election next year. But wait, you say, don’t they not have the power to do that since the people of the city have already voted to set term limits to two terms? Twice?
Oh, ye naïve little neophyte. Of course they don’t have that power. That’s why they had to vote to give themselves that power. That’s what democracy means – from the Latin demo, meaning “power to do stuff,” and cracy, meaning “voting to give yourself.” City Council members, acting on the best interests of everyone, including those members whose terms are up next year and wouldn’t be allowed to run for another, decided to create a new law that gives them the power to ignore the two-term limit voted on by the people without actually having the new law voted on by the people.
Wait, not ignore. I’m sorry. I meant “revise,” which is the term used by the New York Times. (See? I told you this would be highly journalistic.)
This, my fellow Americans, is truly democracy at its best. I think it is a brilliant idea to completely bypass the process by which this country is run at nearly every level, especially when it benefits people who would have otherwise had to do some actual work and find themselves a real job.
It is with this kind of forward-thinking, progressive politics that I hereby pass a referendum where I give myself the power to take away anyone’s vote on any grounds at any time. Why? Because I believe in America.
But choosing a Presidential candidate and voting to give myself veto power over allowing everybody else to vote are only the beginning of my rights – and responsibilities – as an American. Ideally, I should about the other issues on the ballot in my district, as well as the candidates for other offices.
Many other elections are going on at every level of government, from Vice President of the Community Office for Complaining About Garbage Pickup to State Supreme Court Justice.* Although from the look of it, you’d think the Office of the President was the only thing up for grabs. (Of course, it wouldn’t be if the current administration employed the brilliant legislative tactics of the New York City Council.)
To find out about other state and local elections going on, I mustered my budding journalistic sensibilities to scour websites near and far, use search engines above and beyond Google, and delve into the depths of the world wide web. I found a wealth of information, including my polling location, how to register to vote, how to change my address while I register to vote, whether I was eligible to vote absentee (I’m not) and whether or not I can vote in my state if I’m a convicted felon currently serving prison time (I can’t).
What eluded me was any information on all of the other elections taking place on November 4th. I have no idea who's running for what office, or whether they're even human. Or alive.
Due to the current mess of nominating criteria, I could unwittingly cast my vote for a deceased squirrel. Possibly a deceased squirrel who's a Republican. This troubles me on two levels. First, I’m fairly intelligent, so what does this say about my voting demographic? Or, worse, the voters out there who may not be the sharpest tool in Joe the Plumber’s shed?
Second, I’m troubled because I just know that on election day I will get into the secret booth and be confronted with something like “City Proposition # 579223-13-A.” It will say something like:
"Pursuant to pre-established city ordinance 345(c)(i), subsection 4, Paragraph 2, of and regarding the public property in and surrounding the Amtrak overpass bridge, (henceforth known as “Overpass,”), should any persons of sound mind and/or body be subject to the droppings left by the pigeons who are flying, resting, sleeping, eating, otherwise legally residing in the Overpass' beams, encompassing the area of 40° 46' N 73° 54' W, they are hereby restricted from holding the City of New York, (henceforth known as “the City,”) responsible for any damage, injury, embarrassment or any other legal action resulting from said droppings. In totalis erectus unim."
I’m supposed to have an opinion about that. So, I’ll spend about four minutes trying to decipher what it actually says, and then succumb to the unseen pressure exerted on me by the cranky people standing in the long line, waiting to vote, and I'll leave my answer blank.
Then I’ll feel crappy about being an uninformed voter, and be even angrier the next time an election rolls around.
And oh, those lines will be long, if the state primaries were any indication of what's to come. Voters are showing up in record numbers this year, because this is the first Presidential race ever to feature candidates who aren’t all old white guys. Pollsters predict that voting attendance might even surpass 50%, up from its previous record of 2%.
So join me, my fellow Americans, in standing up for what is right, by making your voice known, and participating to the fullest extent in your rights and responsibilities bestowed upon you by this fine, democratic country. Unless, of course, I’ve vetoed your vote. In that case, I suggest you run for New York City Council.
*We vote for judges at the state level. That's scary. Think about it. If a judge found out we didn't vote for him, he could threaten to throw us in jail unless we could explain the plot of 'Lost' in under 5 minutes.
This will allow current Mayor Mike Bloomberg and other Council members whose terms are up soon to run for re-election next year. But wait, you say, don’t they not have the power to do that since the people of the city have already voted to set term limits to two terms? Twice?
Oh, ye naïve little neophyte. Of course they don’t have that power. That’s why they had to vote to give themselves that power. That’s what democracy means – from the Latin demo, meaning “power to do stuff,” and cracy, meaning “voting to give yourself.” City Council members, acting on the best interests of everyone, including those members whose terms are up next year and wouldn’t be allowed to run for another, decided to create a new law that gives them the power to ignore the two-term limit voted on by the people without actually having the new law voted on by the people.
Wait, not ignore. I’m sorry. I meant “revise,” which is the term used by the New York Times. (See? I told you this would be highly journalistic.)
This, my fellow Americans, is truly democracy at its best. I think it is a brilliant idea to completely bypass the process by which this country is run at nearly every level, especially when it benefits people who would have otherwise had to do some actual work and find themselves a real job.
It is with this kind of forward-thinking, progressive politics that I hereby pass a referendum where I give myself the power to take away anyone’s vote on any grounds at any time. Why? Because I believe in America.
But choosing a Presidential candidate and voting to give myself veto power over allowing everybody else to vote are only the beginning of my rights – and responsibilities – as an American. Ideally, I should about the other issues on the ballot in my district, as well as the candidates for other offices.
Many other elections are going on at every level of government, from Vice President of the Community Office for Complaining About Garbage Pickup to State Supreme Court Justice.* Although from the look of it, you’d think the Office of the President was the only thing up for grabs. (Of course, it wouldn’t be if the current administration employed the brilliant legislative tactics of the New York City Council.)
To find out about other state and local elections going on, I mustered my budding journalistic sensibilities to scour websites near and far, use search engines above and beyond Google, and delve into the depths of the world wide web. I found a wealth of information, including my polling location, how to register to vote, how to change my address while I register to vote, whether I was eligible to vote absentee (I’m not) and whether or not I can vote in my state if I’m a convicted felon currently serving prison time (I can’t).
What eluded me was any information on all of the other elections taking place on November 4th. I have no idea who's running for what office, or whether they're even human. Or alive.
Due to the current mess of nominating criteria, I could unwittingly cast my vote for a deceased squirrel. Possibly a deceased squirrel who's a Republican. This troubles me on two levels. First, I’m fairly intelligent, so what does this say about my voting demographic? Or, worse, the voters out there who may not be the sharpest tool in Joe the Plumber’s shed?
Second, I’m troubled because I just know that on election day I will get into the secret booth and be confronted with something like “City Proposition # 579223-13-A.” It will say something like:
"Pursuant to pre-established city ordinance 345(c)(i), subsection 4, Paragraph 2, of and regarding the public property in and surrounding the Amtrak overpass bridge, (henceforth known as “Overpass,”), should any persons of sound mind and/or body be subject to the droppings left by the pigeons who are flying, resting, sleeping, eating, otherwise legally residing in the Overpass' beams, encompassing the area of 40° 46' N 73° 54' W, they are hereby restricted from holding the City of New York, (henceforth known as “the City,”) responsible for any damage, injury, embarrassment or any other legal action resulting from said droppings. In totalis erectus unim."
I’m supposed to have an opinion about that. So, I’ll spend about four minutes trying to decipher what it actually says, and then succumb to the unseen pressure exerted on me by the cranky people standing in the long line, waiting to vote, and I'll leave my answer blank.
Then I’ll feel crappy about being an uninformed voter, and be even angrier the next time an election rolls around.
And oh, those lines will be long, if the state primaries were any indication of what's to come. Voters are showing up in record numbers this year, because this is the first Presidential race ever to feature candidates who aren’t all old white guys. Pollsters predict that voting attendance might even surpass 50%, up from its previous record of 2%.
So join me, my fellow Americans, in standing up for what is right, by making your voice known, and participating to the fullest extent in your rights and responsibilities bestowed upon you by this fine, democratic country. Unless, of course, I’ve vetoed your vote. In that case, I suggest you run for New York City Council.
*We vote for judges at the state level. That's scary. Think about it. If a judge found out we didn't vote for him, he could threaten to throw us in jail unless we could explain the plot of 'Lost' in under 5 minutes.
